


The Croft

by Elton_Hercules_John



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Crofter Harry, Dorris the Pig, Farmhand Eggsy, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 02:07:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20538389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elton_Hercules_John/pseuds/Elton_Hercules_John
Summary: "Croft/krɒft/British nounA small rented farm, especially one in Scotland, comprising a plot of arable land attached to a house and with a right of pasturage held in common with other such farms."Harry Hart has retired after being shot in the leg during a Kingsman mission. To keep himself busy, he buys a croft in the Sussex Downs, but quickly realises that he'll need a farmhand's help when his knee starts playing up.





	1. Chapter 1

Harry hadn't planned to retire age fifty three. He also hadn't planned to be shot in the knee while on a mission in Krakow. He hadn't planned to be in hospital for months while he got a full knee replacement. He hadn't planned to buy a farm when he retired. 

But here he was, living in a croft on the Sussex Downs, in the middle of fuck off nowhere. The solitude was nice, he supposed, no Kingsman interns to bother him, no attempts on his life yet. Yet.

However, things had started to get lonely. One could only look at their flock of sheep or pair of cows for so long before getting bored. He had had no time for television before retiring, but now he realised just how terrible it could be. While a replay of Bargain Hunt played on the television, Harry's bad leg propped up on an ottoman, he placed an ad out on his phone. 

'ISO: Young farmhand not afraid of hard work and long hours in the Sussex Downs. Good pay plus free board. To take care of a flock of blacknose ewes, cow and calf, flock of sixteen chickens and ten ducks, a twenty seven year old Shetland pony, and a pig named Dorris. Meals will be provided in return for farm chores. Driving licence preferred but not required, I will teach you how to use the equipment if necessary. If interested, please contact Harry Hart.'

Harry knew it was a bit desperate, but it was coming into winter and his knee had started to badly act up. On days like today, it would seize up and wouldn't relax until Harry had it propped up with a hot water bottle over it. However, he refused to use the Kingsman issued cane that sat propped up against the shoe rack. Only old men used canes, and Harry didn't class himself as 'old' yet. So, he did whatever farm chores he could, but it was getting too much for him. Not that he would admit that. 

  
  


\-----

  
  


Harry hadn't expected to get such a quick response. Within the first two days, someone had already messaged him about the job ad. The man didn't have a CV, but he seemed honest enough. A twenty three year old that admitted to Harry that he had a prison sentence over drug dealing, but he wanted to get on the straight and narrow now, to live in the countryside away from all the city's temptations. He wanted to send all the money he got back to his mum and sister, apparently, and he'd be glad just to have a safe place to stay. Although he didn't have much farm experience, having grown up in the city and ridden a donkey once on Blackpool beach, he was apparently a very hard worker and he'd love to have a trial at Harry's. 

That was why Harry had cleaned the whole cottage, bought new sheets for the spare room, and had even dusted and put down new bedding in the stalls. He did everything to make his croft look good for this potential employee. And goodness, he wasn't expecting such a nice looking person to turn up at eight in the morning. The boy looked younger than Harry thought he would, fresh faced with nice hair and a good smile. But Harry wasn't going to discriminate based on how attractive this man was, it was how hard he worked that really counted. 

The man strode up to Harry, his hand outheld. When he grabbed Harry's hand, his handshake was firm, a good sign to Harry. 

"I'm, uh… Gary. Gary Unwin, but you can call me Eggsy, yeah? Prefer Eggsy." He grinned up at the other man, giving him a little wink as he pulled back from the handshake. "And you're Harry?" 

"Harry Hart, yes. Have you got any bags in the car? I'll take them through to your room for you." Harry smiled politely. "I was hoping that you could stay for three days, just to try it out. If you like it here, then we can talk about a more permanent lodging." 

"Eh… I'll grab 'em myself, don't you worry. Gotta say bye to mum and Dais too, they dropped me off." 

"Ah, of course. Take as long as you need, the front door is open when you're ready." 

Eggsy gave him a little salute in thanks, turning on his heel and jogging back up the lane. As he said his goodbyes to Daisy and his mum, Daisy in particular getting covered in kisses, Harry hobbled his way back into the house. He tried to stay inside, in the warmth, on cold days like these. His knee didn't work under cold conditions. As soon as he opened the front door, however, two dogs came scampering out of the house. 

"Mr Pickle! JB! Get back here, at once!" Harry whistled for them, then took off at a jog after them. However, he soon had to stop running, his knee aching. Maybe retirement from Kingsman was for the better, then. "Eggsy, watch out for those two!" 

Eggsy's head shot up, distracted from his Daisy kisses, as he saw the two tiny dogs racing full pelt at him. "Puppies!!! Harry, you didn't tell me there was puppies!"

"Catch them! They'll run down the bloody road if you don't!" Harry panted, hunched over, one hand on his bad knee. 

Quickly, Eggsy kneeled, catching one dog under each arm. "Hey, you little buggers! What are you doing, eh?" The pug snorted in resentment while the terrier squirmed, trying to make another break for freedom. "Right, mum, I'll have to go. Could you gimme my bags? Just put 'em in my hands while I've got ahold of these two." 

Once Eggsy had his bags, and the dogs, in his hands, he gave his mum one last cheek-kiss goodbye and made his way back down the dirt lane. Harry was still waiting by the door, leaning against it with his bad leg rested. "My apologies for that. They're terrible for running up to new people, I hope they didn't give you a fright." 

"A fright? Mate, I could wear these dogs as slippers. They ain't gonna hurt me." Eggsy grinned, walking into the house. He dropped his bags by the front door, and the dogs went down with them. Immediately, he was jumped up on again. 

"Oh, for God's sake! Get down, you pair… I've only just adopted them, you see. They're still learning their manners." Harry picked up the terrier, cradling him like a baby. "This one is Mr Pickle. The one trying to bite your shoe is Jack Bauer, but he also goes by JB." 

"Nice. Love the name." Eggsy grinned, kneeling to give JB a little scratch behind the ears. "You ain't got, like… A sheepdog or anyfink? Don't think I've ever seen a pug on a farm before." 

"JB is purely for companionship, I'm afraid. No prey drive or urges to herd whatsoever. Mr Pickle, on the other hand, is a terrific ratter. It's what he was bred to do and he works wonders in the stalls." Harry gave Mr Pickle's cheek a soft scratch before letting him down onto the floor. "Now, if you'd like to pick up your bags, I'll show you to your room. Oh, shoes off at the door, too. I don't want anyone dragging muck through my carpets."

Eggsy nodded, climbing out of his wellie boots and grabbing his bags again. As Harry walked through the hallway, he pointed rooms out to Eggsy. "Living room, feel free to watch the television in your free time. I also have some games consoles if you wish to play them."

Eggsy's face lit up. Right, maybe Harry was pretty cool, then. "What kind?" 

"Um… Xbox and PlayStation, I believe. Carrying on… Bathroom. If you're having a shower, let the water run for a minute before getting in, unless you wish to have an ice shower. Old pipes, they're such a nuisance… This is my bedroom. I retire at nine o'clock every night, though I'll still be reading at eleven o'clock if you're in need of anything. Please don't go into my bedroom unless you have my permission."

Eggsy nodded. He didn't know if Harry had a secret to hide in that bedroom, or if he just liked privacy. Eggsy hoped for the former. Finally, they reached the door at the end of the hallway. "My room?"

"Yes, this will be your room." Harry opened the door. It was small, but the view from the window was amazing. "If you need extra pillows, or a spare blanket, then please ask. It can get cold at night. I'll make sure there's a hot water bottle under your duvet before you go to bed every night." 

"God, Harry… Thanks. This is brill." Eggsy looked around, grinning. "Much better than the flat back home." 

"I'm glad you think so, Eggsy. I'll have lunch ready for you at one o'clock every day and dinner will be served at six o'clock. Is there anything you're allergic to?" 

"Eh… Plasters. Like, elastoplast. Apart from that…" 

"Well, I'll make sure that I don't put plasters in your food, then." Harry said, flat toned. "I meant food wise, Eggsy." 

"Oh. Uh… Nah, nothing like peanuts or anything. And I ain't picky. So, don't worry about me not eatin' my greens, I get what I'm given, yeah?" Eggsy grinned. "Y'learn to eat like that when you're growin' up on the estates." 

"Of course. I was thinking hunter's chicken for tonight's dinner, with asparagus and baby carrots." Harry raised an eyebrow at Eggsy's confused face. "You haven't had hunter's chicken before?" 

Eggsy shook his head. 

"It's also called poulet chasseur?" 

Eggsy shook his head again, shrugged. 

"Oh. Well, it's a breast of chicken wrapped with bacon and covered in melted cheese. It's absolutely beautiful, and all the proteins in the dish have been hand reared by me." 

"That sounds sexy." Eggsy grinned, but it faltered when Harry gave him a confused look. "It means that it sounds like it tastes nice."

"Right… Well, I'll leave you to unpack, Eggsy. All the chores have been done for today, so you can relax in front of the television if you wish. All the video game discs are by the television in a storage box if you want to play with them. I'll stick to my book on the sofa." Harry smiled at Eggsy, giving him a little nod before leaving for the living room. 

Eggsy closed the bedroom door, then collapsed on the bed, groaning at how comfy it was. He could already tell he was gonna enjoy it here, with the amazing view and solitude away from the city. And the puppies, too. And video games. God, he'd lucked out. 


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, after Eggsy had had the most gorgeous dinner the night before, Harry was knocking on his door. Eggsy groaned, looking around, before burying his face in the pillows. "S'too earlyyyyy…" 

"Eggsy, it's time to get up." Harry said softly, punctuated with another knock. "If you get up now, then all the feeding chores will be out of the way by seven o'clock. I'll let you lie in after that." 

"S'the time right nowwww?" 

"Five o'clock. Do I have to come in there and whip the covers off you? It's time to get up, Eggsy." Harry once again knocked, hoping the sound would keep Eggsy awake. 

"Fuuuuuckkkk… Why's it so earlyyyy?" Eggsy scrubbed a hand over his face, pulling the covers tighter around himself. "Leave it till seven, Harry… Then we'll talk, yeah?" 

"No. You must get up now, I have a schedule." Harry opened the bedroom door, making Eggsy yell suddenly, not wanting to be walked in on when he's lying in bed in his pants. However, the door was only opened just a crack, and suddenly there was the sound of scrabbling claws on a hardwood floor. JB and Mr Pickle raced into the room, jumping onto Eggsy's bed in record time and smothering him in puppy kisses and nibbles. 

"Oi!!! Hey!!! JB, stoppit!!!" Eggsy squirmed as JB went to his feet, deciding to attack his big toe. Mr Pickle scratched at his chest for attention, growling at Eggsy when he wasn't petted. "I see ya, Mr Pickle… S'too early though, mate… Ain't it?" 

Mr Pickle just yapped in response until Eggsy petted his head. Harry chuckled behind the shield of the door. "Are you awake yet, Eggsy? If so, I'll have breakfast ready in ten minutes. Do you require overalls?" 

"Nah… M'fine in just my jeans and a shirt, I think." 

"Remember to wrap up warm, Eggsy. It's cold out there. And do open your window to air the room out once you're up, please." 

Seven minutes later, Eggsy plonked himself down at the breakfast table, dressed in his day clothes but with a dressing gown on top. He was bleary eyed, with his hair all spiked out of place from sleep. "S'too early, Harry…"

"Nonsense. There's plenty to do today and we must start early in order to complete it all before the sun goes down." Harry placed a plate of eggs benedict in front of Eggsy, with bacon on the side. "There you are… Eat up, you must keep your energy up today and a high protein meal to start the day is a perfect way to do so." 

"God… M'gonna get fat living here, ain't I?" Eggsy grinned up at Harry, but tucked into breakfast all the same. "Posh chicken last night, eggs and bacon this mornin'... What's this thing on top?" 

"Hollandaise sauce, Eggsy. It's just butter, egg yolks, white wine vinegar, a squeeze of lemon, and some cayenne pepper. But you don't need to worry about that, I'll do all the cooking and house chores as long as you do the farm chores." 

Eggsy just nodded, not wanting to talk with his mouth full. Harry seemed like the kind of person that would hate that. He swallowed his mouthful, tipping off two pieces of toast and chucking them under the table for the dogs while Harry's back was turned. Somehow, Harry heard it. 

"Don't feed my dogs scraps, Eggsy."

"Didn't do nothing!" 

"I heard it. I may be an old man with a bad knee, but my hearing is still up to par. Those dogs are spoiled enough as it is." Harry kneeled with a grunt, scooping up Mr Pickle. He obviously had a favourite. 

"Never did ask… If you don't mind tellin' me, what did you do to your knee?" Eggsy wiped his mouth with a paper napkin, dumping it on top of the cleaned-off plate. 

"Oh… Hunting accident." Harry said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I had my gun facing down and it accidentally fired straight at my knee." 

"Oh, jesus christ! Fucking hell…" Eggsy groaned just thinking about being shot in the knee. "So, that's it fucked then, ain't it?" 

"Yes. To put it in your words, it is 'fucked'." Harry sat down in a chair adjacent to Eggsy, letting Mr Pickle down so he could roll up his trouser leg. There was a massive amount of scarring around his knee, and it was also red and sore-looking. "It's quite tight at the moment because it's early in the moment so it's cold, but as the day progresses it should loosen up. It's a bloody nuisance." 

"Do you want me to get you a heat pad or somefink? That might work." Eggsy frowned as Harry pulled his trouser leg back down. "I've got some ibuprofen in one of my bags. Paracetamol?" 

"I appreciate the sentiment, my dear boy, but I'll just walk it off and then put some heat on it once the animals have been fed." Harry lifted Mr Pickle up once again, getting a lick to the cheek from him. "My animals always come first, Eggsy. Always remember that." 

"Right… Thanks for breakfast. Best go out and get these chores done so I can go back to bed, eh?" Eggsy grinned. "What first?" 

"I've written you up a list of which animals get what. They all have feed bins, which I've labelled, and they all have feed scoops in them. Try to keep the scoops in their respective bins. Dorris has a feed bucket for her food to go in, but the rest of the animals can just have their food scattered on the ground." Harry stretched his leg out, trying not to make a big deal out of the pain he was in. "They all, of course, need water too. The hose is outside, the tap is by the back door." 

Eggsy nodded, taking it all in. He grabbed a notepad that Harry held out, frowning at the list. "Riiiight…" He hadn't really thought about the sheer scale of the animals here. 

"Don't worry about mucking out Dorris, she can go a few days without being cleaned out. Roger is out free roaming around the garden, barn, and field. He may pester you for food, so take a couple apples from the kitchen." Harry pushed the fruit bowl across the table to Eggsy. 

"Dorris is the… Pig, right?" 

"Yes." 

"Then who the hell's Roger???" 

"My Shetland pony, Eggsy. He's bloody feral, so watch out. He will take a nip at you." The serious tone of Harry's voice solidified that he wasn't joking around. Brilliant. 

Eggsy pocketed a few apples with a nod, standing and pulling on his wellies and artic coat. "Wish me luck."

"Good luck, Eggsy." 

\-----

As Eggsy walked out into the barn, wrapping his coat tighter around himself in the cold, JB and Mr Pickle followed at his heel. "You coming with me, eh? Alright. S'nice to have someone keep me company. Fink Harry's a bit too sore this mornin'... Shot in the bloody knee, fuck…" 

While Eggsy started his chores, Harry limped through to the living room, propping his foot up on a few pillows and placing a warm rice pad on his knee, groaning once it started to take effect. He then grabbed his laptop from the arm of the sofa, opening it and watching Eggsy work on the barn CCTV. He felt quite voyeuristic, even though he was just keeping an eye on the boy, but he wanted to make sure he was doing a good job. 

As the heat sunk into his skin and loosened the tense muscles and joints in Harry's knee, Eggsy walked down into the chicken run. Harry continued to watch from a different camera, having eyes everywhere. As soon as Eggsy stepped in the run with the scoop of pellets and seed, he was hounded by nearly thirty chickens and ducks. Harry could hear the yell of "Shit! Jesus christ!" from through the wall. He chuckled as Eggsy threw the scoop as far away as possible, the poultry chasing after it. Harry didn't blame him for not retrieving the scoop after. He was glad to see that Mr Pickle and JB had stayed by his feet the entire time, deciding that this person was trustworthy enough to be around. 

Next, Roger came over. He was a fat old black-coated thing, with a grey muzzle from his age and a hatred for small children. He stared at Eggsy, then snuffled against his pockets. "Oh! Yeah, got something for you, mate." 

Eggsy dropped the apple on the floor. Roger just stared at it, expecting to be hand fed. "What? What? Are you bloody posh and all, won't eat your breakfast off the ground? Bloody hell…" Eggsy picked the apple up, holding it out. Roger bit into the apple, but tried to take Eggsy's fingers with it, making him yelp and pull back. "Oi! If you're gonna eat this apple from my hand, you ain't taking my fingers with it, alright?!"

Again, Roger just stared, chewing on the piece of apple in his mouth. The juices had gotten all over Eggsy's hand, making him shudder at the stickiness. Roger then stole the other piece from Eggsy's hand, spreading a lovely mixture of apple flavored foamy spit all over Eggsy's arm. Lovely. "You, my friend, are fucking disgusting." Eggsy said, though fed him the other apple from his pocket all the same. He wiped his hand off on Roger's neck, and then on his jeans when he realised that the stickiness of his hand had attracted all of Roger's loose hair to it. Eggsy decided that horses were disgusting and he was going to spend as little time as possible around Roger. 

However, Roger had decided otherwise. As Eggsy went to walk out of the field and do all the waters, Roger followed him. This person brought food, and therefore he must have more hiding somewhere. When Eggsy realised he was being followed, he set off at a jog, but Roger just trotted straight after him. "Fuck. Shit. Fuck off!" 

Eggsy vaulted that gate like he was back in his gymnastics days, and Harry was considerably impressed. Even more impressed that Eggsy managed to do it in welly boots and a big jacket. Eggsy continued his sprint down the lane till he was in the house, slamming the door shut behind him. Harry closed his laptop, looking up at Eggsy. "Is everything alright?" 

"That bloody pony tried to fucking mug me!" Eggsy cried, kicking off his boots. "Gave him his two apples, right, and then he fucking chased after me! I had to bloody vault the gate!" 

"I told you he was feral, Eggsy." 

"Water ain't been done cause fuck going in the field with that thing again." Eggsy flopped down beside Harry on the sofa. "Need your backup for 'im." 

"Oh, really, he isn't that bad. He just chases and nips. And sometimes kicks. And anyways, he freeroams. He doesn't just stay in his field, Eggsy. He could quite easily get you out in the garden or barn." 

"Don't say that…" Eggsy groaned, wrapping his arms around himself. "That thing fucking hates me already." 

"'That thing' has a name and his name is Roger." Harry huffed, patting his lap and letting JB and Mr Pickle jump onto it. "He just wanted more apples, Eggsy. That's all. He doesn't hate you, he's just greedy." 

"Don't like it." Eggsy huffed. "Bloody weirdo horse." 

"He isn't a horse, he's a pony. He's only eleven hands. How were the chickens and ducks?" 

"Fucking terrible and all! Attack chickens, that's what they are!" Eggsy growled. "Fink everything on your farm hates me." 

"Now, that's not true. I don't hate you. Roger and the poultry don't hate you either, they were just hungry." Harry scratches behind JB's ear. "And I think the dogs quite like you." 

"Yeah… Yeah, I like the dogs too." Eggsy reached over, picking up Mr Pickle. "And I like you too, of course!" Eggsy said, almost as an afterthought. "But, yeah… Those farm animals keep tryin' to attack me." 

"You've only dealt with them once. Tell you what, I'll help you with the water once my knee stops aching, then I'll show you how harmless the animals really are. Deal?" 

"Deal." 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to chat about any of my fics, feel free to message me @elton-hercules-john on tumblr ❤️


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